NonSense

Am holding this pen.. so many random thoughts floating in my mind and yet nothing in particular to pen down.Television running in the background , sure noise does block our head. So i move to this empty room , i choose not to switch on the lights.Am still pondering on what to write .The darkness and the silence doesn’t seem to do any better . I wonder if its the dearth of thoughts or their overflowing that has put me in short of words. So i did write something all this while - only to strike it off later. The brainstorming goes on. And i can now literally sense a blockage in my brain and i talk to myself ” I cant write a sentence now and i call myself spontaneous ” .. (and I don’t mean the talking that goes in the head , mine refers to the literal talking done through mouth . If you haven’t tried this then you are so sane  .) Okay so now that "me trying to act so thoughtful and thinking a hundred times before writing" isn't working I decide to go my natural way .

Nonsense and senseless - whats the difference. Well you don’t know unless you’ve actually spoken or written either. I call my type the “nonsense” type. I had this steel rod practically in my hand for the whole day ,making different noises with it,playing with its shadow by tilting it in different angles,and being a possessive kid I did bring this new toy to my bed only to sleep with it. It is so nice to be wasting time after all.If I was really wasting time , don’t really think so. Sure it was something stupid as my sister called it, all the while sitting beside me,laughing ,commenting and shouting at me not do that . Now ,was I actually enjoying the rod making noise or was it my sister’s noise that actually made me doing that again and again.A big Continuous Smile   - that's what it brought ,the way she got irritated , the way she tried to act this smart grown up reminding me that people around could get hurt with my bashing of the rod and calling me “stupid”. Little did she know that who was actually the smarter one !Now this is like talking about things that don’t make sense for sometimes making sense is so not important - nonsense i call this. (touch wood i haven’t lost that spontaneity, I finally did write something out of nothing..) ..

Spontaneous I've always been , though i never thought I’d actually go to the extent of taking some really important decisions without even giving a thought. It so happens sometimes that you just feel like doing something. It may not make any sense ,you try calculating the pros and cons but you get none - for all that’s inside your head is not a thought but a mere urge to do something, backed by no reasoning ,no logic. The other day I was thinking about choices . I’ve been this kid who goes to the shop , and not getting the desired object chooses “the better ” of the lot. I now feel ,was I really choosing something or was i just accepting the best choice (option in true sense) available. Choosing in real sense would be in between choosing to buy at all or not. The way i “chose” , it did guarantee me things but perhaps it wasn’t the true choosing indeed. And these small things reflect so much of how we actually take decisions in our life. Probably the decision I took was driven by this urge of finally acting different , of finally making a real CHOICE . Somehow the ‘other me’ says - “oh com’on stop acting intellectual and giving the "high school taught" reasoning to justify yourself.You were but playing with your life - something you do so often to satisfy your boredom”. For the better or the worse I’l bring this change .. and by my choice !

I mentioned this ” other me ” , wondering if people around me feel the same. I feel it so often ,two and sometimes more people residing inside me . I even fail to recognize who I really am .It's only when i am in a crowd and I suddenly realize that this is not where I belong . But of course I chose to be there and the crowd was the people I chose to be around. Perhaps somehow the ‘I’ changes  that gives me the feeling of being in an unknown world. Sometimes I fear if there has been one single place where I’ve actually belonged.Adding to these fears - is that of being a hypocrite - for existing in a place where you really don’t belong has some hypocrisy behind. Choosing to be ‘somewhere’ , acting to be ‘someone’ ! One place where I truly belong to is the world that exists in my thoughts.Am not sure whether to call it belonging or rather owning it.Sometimes I dwell so much into it - taking me far from the reality, and i talk to myself , creating a second person in my imagination and the “other me” being the audience and goes on the dialogue . Now this talking is the one I talked of in the beginning.

 I came back to where i begun ,a lot of those thoughts out now . From no where to this nth line there’s been quite a lot of nonsense. Nonsense for there was hardly a word that could present a clear idea. Nonsense because there is no sort of continuity or relation.Nonsense to the readers who might thing - there’s so much of ‘I’ - self obsessed. Nonsense for its just the floating thoughts - thoughts that make sense today but may not tomorrow. Thoughts that have no concrete origin but my imagination, and imagination just ceases to exit any random day and so will these thoughts.Nonsense for the next day the ‘other me’ will look at it , laugh out loud and say “NonSense !” just as I’ve been doing when I read what i wrote years back.