As a furious kid, I remember walking out of my house after an argument with my mother, and I walked until the strangeness of the highway struck a fear that overpowered my anger enough for me to return back. That was my first subconscious attempt of finding escape in travel, only that I come to realize it now, after many a travel experiences and recalling the exact feels they have given me. People travel for many reasons; experience, adventure, nature, spending time with loved ones or exploring oneself; recognizing my motivation behind it to be none of the these, it makes me want to travel less.
I've escaped corporate pressure with multiple job switches, tricking my mind with some fair justifications. I've escaped family pressure by choosing to visit or talk to them lesser by excusing myself with the busy work life I have. The biggest escape, although, has been running away with the fact that life is mundane. As a Gemini, I've found it extremely difficult to come in terms with stagnancy, leading me to find drama through multiple vents. Travel, finding a new hobby only to leave it very very soon and then hopping to new experiences only to stimulate drama and excitement in my life. The frivolous nature of these experiences come on my face to realize that none of these were means to find happiness, although that did come as a byproduct; but mostly helping me run away from the fact that stays - life is mundane, and at some point you need to accept it and find your peace with it.
The pandemic was a good attempt from the Universe to help me find some bit of comfort when another day did not bring another new thing for me. Although, with time I also realized how it completely changed me as a person. Early this year, my friend who had known my pre-lockdown self very closely, told me how "I had lost my self". It hit me by surprise. It took me 3 months to understand what she meant, and what she did was correct. I blamed my dissatisfaction with professional life for losing myself, toiled hard to get a work that fit my imagination of a perfect job, and when I did, I couldn't find happiness from that as well. That brings me to my current escape.
I've never drooled over sadness for more than a week, even in the times of biggest heart breaks, but today, I find myself perpetually disinterested in life. Going back to my escape mechanism, I surrounded myself with people or work or trivial attempts of going to new restaurants and cafes in dresses new, only to keep me momentarily interested in life, also very superficially. Living in the moment is fine, but not having a life you want to live for is scary. I look around to find people working for some serious life goals, and myself to be merely drifting along not having a dream of a future life. From choosing "Life is Beautiful" as my first password, to celebrating little things in life through my blog, I've come to question its whole existence. Call it ageing, being tired of life or depression (which I've tried to escape from being associated with for a long time now).
Totally clueless of when and how I might be able to find some purpose in life, but starting here with what has always given me solace, writing about it. Leaving with the thought I don't wish to escape anymore - Can life be sad when every aspect of it (by societal definition) is doing perfectly fine?
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