Do we miss things coz they are absent? Or do we realise their
absence after we start to miss them? Am sitting alone on this day of my last
semester examination, not that I am very fond of, but all the other options don’t
seem to be of any fond either. I have been surely missing a lot of things
today, failing to understand what they could be. And am so sure, if I weren't sitting alone, I would have hardly given a thought to even one of those rushing
through my head right now.
I had begun this semester trying to find myself somewhere in
this race, the race that I had known to have existed since forever, and the
same one, where I saw myself disappearing from, an year back. Dripping down
from somewhere and trying to get back is never easy. But, there was a challenge
in front, and after a long time I felt motivated. There is no extent to how
much I had missed it in my first year, that strong thing that urges to keep
pushing yourself.
Four months down the line, I still feel like missing
something. I have finally started to see myself somewhere in the race. Adding
to which, being rewarded for a few times does make me satisfied, but happy? Not
really sure!
While on one hand, I missed being motivated a year back,
today, I miss losing control. To have slept early every night to attend those
morning classes, to have even avoided Sunday night outs, to have controlled my
mouth every time I wanted to gossip and waste time like before and to have
never even trying saving old friendships and making new ones. If there was one
thing I wanted to control, it was the clock ticking in my head.
No, I don’t regret for this totally monotonous semester, I've had my share of being totally useless, and being a total control freak for a
while was much needed.
It was the December of 2012, I still remember how much happy
I was, literally writing “my- self” out, that also includes so much of talking
to myself again. And exactly two years later, I find myself in the same
situation, with the only difference of my amplified belief on how being in
touch with yourself is the biggest source of happiness.
While it is definitely important to keep reminding yourself,
of who you are, what you want to be and keep a check on how much you are getting
swayed away from becoming that. It is also equally important to lose that self-control,
letting it drift, and find for itself the self it wants to become. Sure, the
clock won’t stop to tick all that while, and it’s completely insane to wish to
miss nothing. But, of all the things – missing the things that make you - must
not be in the list in the end.
